Writings
Over the last 5 years when I have felt down though my depression, I found that doing some creative writings helped me. I do not pretend that I am a good writer or that these are any good, but a few people have commented on some of these so I decided to keep them on my site. also It helps me remain positive these days when I am having a bad day because it reminds me how I used to be and how much i have changed.
Changing Moods
Darkness
Betrayal
Love?
Feeling Drunk
Nightmares
All Alone In The Dark
What Is Life
Pain
Family Portrait
Knowing Myself
loosing A Friend
Fear
Hurting Friends
Nothing Else Matters
The Effects Of You
Black
Blackness
Back In The Dark Room
Life Without you
Loving You
I feel so sad, lonely and confused,
I can't think straight
I see four dark walls, with piercing spikes
The colour of the walls changes
It appears green is for happy black is for sad
The colours, just constantly change
The walls start moving
The spikes getting closer
I'm screaming, I see a door
I run up to it, and pull the handle
It's locked, I'm screaming
No one hears me
I just sit in the corner
I can feel the spikes digging in
The spikes are making me bleed
I'm trying so hard to think
Of good happy thoughts
The walls are still black
The spikes still dig in.
I just sit in that chair, just looking and thinking why am I doing thins what reasons do I have to be apart of his life.
My mind goes blank!
I cant think, all I see is an empty space, all dark, I don't have any feeling, no emotions, I try so hard to snap out of it, but its like something is dragging me in, me getting more depressed, one min I'm happy, next I'm in a dark room crying with a knife or some broken glass.
I just want to be happy and for the pain to go, the only way for the pain to go it to hurt myself, just locking in a dark room, thinking what would life be like if I did that or if that didn't happen.
In that dark room there's a mirror, I look in to it and see someone who withered away in to non-existence.
In that dark room there's a door, I open it and close my eyes. I open them and look around. I see all my "friends" talking about me, I walk in and there all talking about me. I scream and no one looks, no one even notices I'm there.
So I go back to that dark room, sit in the corner, cry and with the bottle of vodka that if finished, I smash it. Taking a shard of glass and running the sharp edge along my skin, everywhere it goes, blood pours out.
When you really love someone
And you find out that that person has betrayed you
What do you do?
When you really love someone
And you find out that that person has stolen from you
What do you do?
When you really love someone
And you find out that that person has lied to you
What do you do?
When you really love someone
And you find out that that person has slept around
What do you do?
When you really love someone
And you find out that you're not sure if you love that person
What do you do?
Feel cold and lonely, I just wait
Wait on the sidewalk for someone to pick me up
Needing money, needing to be loved
Needed to feel I belong
In someone's heart
Feeling the pain
Of a thousand knifes tearing me apart
Just want to love and be loved
That's all I ask
I feel loved, in my own little world,
Seeing people go about their lives
I feel like i've just stopped, going nowhere in life,
Achieving nothing
And not being loved
Who will love me?
That's the question I ask
Falling drunk, echo's in my head
Too many men in my bed
I'm a criminal at heart
Always will be
People never change
Always judging you
Always being stereotypical
No one knows what I'm really felling
Fuck I don't even know!
As I climb in to bed to go to sleep, my breathing slows down
My heart rate drops, my eyes slowly get heavier.
I try and think of happy thoughts, all I can dream of is pain. I toss, I turn, my breathing gets faster, hart beat races, images of the past comes flooding back.
As I toss and turn I brake out in a sweat, heart beat races, breathing faster
I suddenly wake up with a scream!
All hot and sweaty I take a shower
Trembling with fear. I climb back in bed
Worrying what will be in my next nightmare.
All alone in the dark, wishing someone was here
To hold and love
To share and to care
Feeling like I'm going insane
Can't stop thinking, needing that someone
All in the dark I sit and think
Thinking of bad dark things
I cry a silent tear
As no one is here
To hold and love
To feel safe for once in my life
Not wondering what ever sound is
To want someone to hold and love
Feeling cold and lonely I sit and stare
To feel like I have a purpose in life
Heart beating, silent tears flow
Making its own puddle
Thinking how can I make things right
Wishing I could smile,
I put on a face for all to see
But on the inside I'm screaming and want to be set free
Life can be many things, you are what you are
When you’re sad and all alone, in the dark
That is life
Life for me is like a never ending nightmare
Filled with so much hurt and pain
Seeing everyone around me happy and smiling
I just want to sit and die
All alone I ask myself why cant I be happy?
I try and try, but I am stuck in this never ending nightmare
Sitting here I have the same old thoughts
Going round and round my head
Cant stop these unhappy thoughts.
Watching my life go past all unhappy and alone
No one really understands me
No one really understands how I am feeling
All this anger and pain
I just want to sit and die
Making friends is hard for me
But at least I try
Few days or weeks later is sit and wonder
Why did I start talking to this person
All he does, is talk about me behind my back
I wonder why I am still here
Still alive in this unhappy never-ending nightmare
The pain and hurt is too much.
I can't deal with it.
Having no one who listens only makes things worse.
Feeling the pain that a shard of glass cause me as I run it down my arms, and neck.
Back in that dark room, I feel so alone.
Pretending I am happy to please others,
When all I want to do is die.
I just want to be happy, to hold on to that memory forever.
This false face is stronger then ever, having no one to talk to, everyone with there own problems, I don't want to make them worse.
Feeling the echoes in my head again, wondering when this hell will end.
As I sit in the park, I see a family
A child, with a mum and day
Showing there love to the child
Thinking why couldn't I experience that
As I sit in the dark room, I cry
Thinking if I didn't run away
What could things be like?
Was it me, who split my mum and dad up?
As I walk though the shops I see a family getting a picture taken
As I look though the glass I see them all happy and smiling
They all look happy and normal
I cry a tear and think why I couldn’t experience that
Feeling useless hiding myself away from others
Not letting anyone see the hurt and pain I feel.
I thought I was in love, now I don’t know,
Feeling of love, hurt pain, going though me
Like a shock of reality makes me realize
I don’t know who I am anymore
I don’t know what I want
Or even who I want
Feeling distant from everyone
Even my best mate and my boyfriend
Feelings of all I want to do is die
Running thou my head
I don’t know what to do anymore
Slowly I am going
Losing my own sanity
Going insane
All I can think about is death
But why?
People look at me and say why are you depressant,
You have it easy, No job, free to do what I want
A lovely caring boyfriend.
That’s the problem no job gives me too much time to think
And even the boyfriend doesn’t know how I am feeling.
I feel that everyone is a stranger
Don’t know anyone
Can’t trust anyone
Especially myself
We first met in a bar, and he brought me a drink
We didn't really get on, but I did see something there
A good friend, but he didn't seem interested.
Months went by, but I still persevered.
Over time I got to like him more and more
We would get drunk and have a laugh
Every friday night.
Then on one not so important friday
We both got drunk.
I said something that I wouldn't normally say
I told him I had feelings for him
and that was the day I lost a friend
What do I fear?
Why don’t I just act on impulse?
What am I so scared of?
The feeling of liking someone a lot
But scared of rejection
Always wanting to belong to that special someone
But he don’t listen to how I am feeling
Having these thoughts
Going around my head
Wanting so much to belong to him
But knowing that it is just a dream
Feeling that emptiness
Every waking hour
Just wanting to be with someone
To share my life with him
But the fear of life
The fear of the unexpected
The fear or being hurt and used
The fear of rejection
Going though my head
Preventing me from getting involved
Knowing that you have hurt someone you care about
Knowing that you have hurt someone that you called a friend
You have apologized
But they don’t want to know
What can you do?
I have hurt someone
Someone that I do call a friend
I have apologized
But he don’t want to know
Feeling all alone and scared
It’s all so nosy in my little world
With feeling of hate and anger
But only towards myself
I sit and stare
At the same four walls
Deciding if I can go on
Knowing I have hurt a friend
Knowing that I have got to that point again
The point of trusting
Knowing I have gone back to that dark lonely room
Knowing I can’t cope with this
I turn to the alcohol
Back in that dark room, I am myself
No pretence, no worry
About hurting the people I care about
I sit and stair
Know that I have hurt someone
Wanting
Needed
Feeling
To be loved
Feeling the breathe on my neck
As we kiss for the very first time
So many things going thought my head
Feeling this moment
Being in this moment
Wondering if this is just a dream
Because it feels so right
Sharing laughter
Sharing joy
Sharing feelings
Of being loved
Feeling so right
Hoping this never ends
Wanting to be together forever
Wanting
Needed
Feeling
To be loved
Where did it go wrong?
Lost that feeling, but still in love
Lost that feeling, but nothing else matters
Wanting to be in his arms once again
Having a broken heart
Feeling hurt and used
Not knowing where I went wrong
Not understanding why it had to be
Shutting the world out
Returning to that dark room
Where I just want to die
Just wanting to love and be loved in return
Can’t let go of that love I felt
Month pass
Things change
Still in love
And nothing else matters
We met up
Brought back so many memories
Realizing I still love this man
Feeling awkward being in this complicated situation
Feeling the nerves once again
Wanting more
Needing more
Feeling more
As I lay here writing this
In floods of tears
Still feeling the connection we shared
And wanting more
Reading the messages, we exchanged
Were so close, but so far
Thinking will, I ever get over him.
I keep reading the messages and texts we sent
I keep looking at your pictures
And I remember how you made me feel
The first time we met, the first touch, the first kiss
I still feel the presence of you, in my heart
I close my eyes, and I see an image of you
I hear your voice, and I just cry.
When you cry, I just want to wipe away all of your tears
When you scream, I just want to fight all of your fears
I just want to see you
I just want to hold you
I just want to kiss you
I just want to feel the way you made me feel
Black is the colour I see when I close my eyes
Black is the colour I smell when I can’t find anything to eat
Black is the colour I touch of miss-trust
Black is the colour I here as I cry myself to sleep
Black is a colour to some, for me it has meaning
The colour of black is so dark, so mysterious
What does that colour represent to me?
Black means pain
Black means anger
Like a disease, something crawling on me,
Eating away at me, I feel it
The pain, the anger
Black means endless suffering
Black means torture
When can I be free from this?
When will I start to live?
Like a rose, so pretty and nice
But hiding its dark side
Waiting to hurt someone
With its thorn
Black is the colour that I think of
When I'm down and low
When I have no one to turn to
Back in the dark room
I am all alone
Wondering, why I am here
When things have been
Going so well
Feeling the cold emptiness
Feeling like no one cares
Feeling like I want to scream
But when I try to, there is only silence
People wonder why I am so shy
So quiet, and such a loner
Well maybe it is because I have no one
I don’t know what it is like
To be loved, and cared for
Just want to end this pain,
This feeble existence
End this sadness
This never-ending suffering
Seconds turn to minuets
Minuets turn to hours
Hours turn to days
Days turn to months
As the weeks, go by
There is less reason for me to live
Hurting the people that I care about
Making friends, loosing friends
Never ending cycle of pain
Feeling I can’t turn to anyone
Not even my best friend
Can’t turn to my family
Don’t want them to worry
Remembering what it was to feel the pain
The pain of a knife in my arm
With blood dripping on the floor
As I go to work
I put on a front
So no one knows
What I am feeling and thinking
Thinking of ways I can kill myself...
Maybe an overdoes?
Maybe slitting my throat
Maybe jumping off a bridge?
Maybe just stop eating?
Maybe a shot in the head?
Maybe poisoning myself?
I just hate this world so much
I hate this life
I hate everything
I hate being scared of showing my true self
I hate not letting anyone get close to me
Life without you has been so difficult
Hearing a song you liked
Or even hearing your name
Makes me think about you
Even though we hardly got on
I remember all the thing we used to do
All the time we used to argue
I would do anything to see you again
And let you know what you mean to me
You are my brother and I didn’t show it
I treated you like an enemy
And ignored your silent cries
Wishing you were still with us
Wishing it was me that died and not you
Why is love so complicated?
So many feelings and emotions
That doesn’t make sense
Your head says no
But your heart says yes
When I think if you
I smile and I’m happy
When I’m not with you
I feel so alone and I cry
For so many years I have loved you
Not seeing you is tearing me apart
Can’t sleep, can’t eat
Just want to be in your arms
I miss you so much
Just to see you
And tell you how much you mean to me